TWENTY ONE

When the Feinberg’s moved out of the area a few years after starting the Fruchtenbaum study group, Henry asked me to take over as facilitator of the group. Still being rather young in the faith, I asked him why he would recommend me for that task, and his reply was that I was the only one who studied the manuscripts for the following month’s meeting. This wasn’t exactly accurate, although I may have been the only Jewish male who did. I accepted and we began meeting at Ashland Christian Fellowship. Pastor Green had only one question for me before granting us permission to meet there, is Jesus Christ G-d? By that time, I had come to believe just that; G-d took on human form at the incarnation. Jesus was just who He claimed to be,G-d almighty. Over the years, we’ve rarely had the attendance of those early years, and sometimes only three or four show up; but the group endured for about 18 years until I was no longer well enough to continue it.

I’d like to be able to say that I became a perfect, moral person at the time I gave my life to Yeshua, but it just wasn’t like that. Yes, there certainly were major changes in my life and behavior even right away. Other things changed slowly over time. At the time of salvation, I admitted to being a sinner, unable to save myself from Hell, and Jesus justified me; He forgave all my sins and cast them away, 'as far as the west is from the east'. I continued to confess my new sins to him; He continued faithfully forgiving them. How do I know? “Because the Bible tells me so”, as it said in an old pop lyric. 

For the most part, life became a dream. My relationship with Diana changed from night to day, as I fell deeper in love with her than I thought possible. A sense of peace swept over me that I’d never known before; I had found the truth and no longer needed to search, except in the sense of gaining greater knowledge by studying the revealed Word of G-d, the Bible. All this was more or less immediate, but over time anger disappeared. What did I have to be angry about anyway? I was the hurter, not the 'hurtee' in my life. The preacher preached forgiveness, but I had no one to forgive; all my life I’d inflicted pain. I was the bad friend, the poor husband, the neglectful father, the spoiled, narcissistic human being. The universe had revolved around me and existed for my will. I had to relinquish this to G-d, whose world it really was, I mean, duh! It took a little time to fully appreciate this, but G-d in His long-suffering allowed me my foolishness for a time.

The threats of the demons came to naught, and G-d’s blessings were poured out. Our business survived and thrived, as Bob had predicted it would. We had enough that we didn’t know want, but it was a day by day situation. Somehow, G-d always paid the bills. There were some bumps along the road, Diana hurt her foot quite badly while trying to do a good deed, but G-d took care of it. Shaya’s asthma worsened, but improved dramatically after he left Ashland to go to college. I had a heart scare, but it turned out to be of spiritual origin. I awoke feeling a great weight on my chest and breathing was difficult. Tests revealed nothing, and after the church elders placed oil on my forehead and prayed for me it was gone. A mole on my face changed appearance and tests showed it to be skin cancer. But it was found in time, and subsequent visits to the specialist never turned up another one. The next ten years or so were the best of our lives, although they passed so quickly.

I grew more and more secure in my salvation, but at some point as one might do with an earthly parent, I tried to see 'how much I could get away with'. The Bible explicitly warns against sinning purposely with the knowledge that G-d will forgive it later. It also says that we no longer belong to ourselves, but are His property. G-d chastises gently at first, the Good Shepherd using His rod and staff to 'comfort' us. I had become complacent and began to allow my eyes and ears to experience things that were 'not edifying', as Paul would say. But worse than that, I was at a roadblock in my personal 'sanctification'; I was not becoming more like G-d’s Son at all. Now G-d does not ask us for much and no more than we’re capable of. Yes, He wants everything, you’ve heard it said, our time, our attention, etc. But how much does he really expect from depraved sinners such as us? A lot: first He wants us to love Him with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and then to love our neighbor as ourselves (Luke 10:27).

I had hit an impasse in both areas, putting myself first and not seeking strength from the Holy Spirit to correct it. I began to feel like I was unworthy to continue facilitating a Bible study, as in word and deed I did not love my neighbor as myself, and was surely holding back some of my heart and mind from G-d. This was made even more striking to me when a woman I didn’t know, whether under G-d’s influence or the Devil’s I can’t say, came into my shop and told me that I should stop my Bible study because I was a hypocrite and not worthy. Now G-d does expect a lot from a teacher of His Word; James warns against becoming a teacher and receiving a stricter judgment. I never considered myself a 'teacher' per se, merely a sharer of the teachings of Dr. Fruchtenbaum. Nevertheless, I felt I’d better step down from leading the study until I could at least gain a greater measure of self-control over my thoughts and actions. The Bible study was one of the very few spiritual things that I faithfully exercised, however. I quit temporarily, and enjoyed having another weekend night free, but it didn’t feel comfortable.